December

 Happy new year

5/12/2022

hi love (part 2)

 One fine night, 

something urge me to click on the rainbow coloured circle on your profile picture.

Yes i know i saw you saw my stories. You've been watching and liking some of my post actually.

I'm shocked to see you in the perspective of usually me seeing you in front of me eating.

this girl tagged you in her stories saying something about finishing sushi eating in 30 minutes and thankful that you can do it @dxxxxxx

why i feel so saddened.

That night it is so hard to fall asleep.

The memory of seeing that story keep repeating itself on my mind.

regret, sadness, love that still exist on my heart and my soul brought a dream that i married you and met your whole family.

But maybe it might not be the case. I know we broke up.

I made you made that offer to me. And I'm sorry.

 

I tried to find the reasons behind my sadness and sorrow. 

It is the fact that i couldn't have and hold you anymore.

It is the fact that your love is so limited that you can't embrace me with the same kind of love that I always had actually not only to you but to everyone. Maybe to you was more than that. Because we were a couple.

I don't know for sure, whether she is your new girlfriend or not.

But yes, I know that limitation of yours. the day we said that officially broke up and you just exterminated everything. That the Love that you felt just extinguished. You put that off.

 I'm sad that most people can do that. And I could not.

I know I still love you, and saddened not only because you were with other women but rather that you don't love me like I do.

Okay. that's it. I guess.

I need to rant things out as coping mechanism i guess.

Hopefully this sadness faded and I could be happy again. That's a stupid thing to say I know.

I don't know what to pray. But I need to acknowledge the fact that you might not deserve my love since you can't understand nor practice this same thing. 

Bismillah Ya Allah. Astaghfirullah.

hi love

 

 

you can never stop loving anyone that has come into your life.

you can still feel them and feel the love towards them.

If you don;t then, you don;t really love them.

that love transpire and emerge from the Source. it is eternal and endless.
As strong and hard and as soft and malleable as before

it just changes its form
and weakens over time,

once connect will always be connected forever.

you hate to see them because you hate that you can;t be with that person you cared so belovedly.

can;t caress their hair, kiss their cheek and put your head on their shoulders once more.

You are sad not loveless.

hopefully yes.
hopefully you feel this too

because then you know that you are activated.
you are the love that you seek for this long time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love,
love

What do we (humans) do?

It's both eat and being eaten in the nature world if we consider the natural cycle of life.

But we, human, have the privilege of expanding our longevity.

Jika sebagai satwa atau tumbuhan, apakah kita bisa seprivilege manusia untuk melanggengkan hidupnya? Masih bisa berusaha dan mematok untuk hidup 80-100 tahun, bahagia, sehat, kaya.

Tanpa khawatir ada predator.  Namun ternyata yang menjadi predator adalah sistem buatan kita sendiri.

Survive tidak survivenya manusia jadi memiliki banyak faktor selain seperti di dunia spesies lain. Dimana mereka bisa punah karena ancaman predator atau lingkungan.

Jadi apa yg kita lakukan dengan privilege of longevity ini? 

Apakah kita mau mepercepat 'kiamat' dengan mendukung destruksi lebih cepat,  atau kita mau menuju hidup yg lebih menghidupkan dan menguntungkan tidak hanya spesies kita tapi banyak spesies lainnya.  

 Do we choose the regenerative way or the selfish way?

Love?

I fell in love once,  twice and maybe couple of times.

Dreamy song got me smiled remembering him,  try to fit the lyric into what (might likely)  he does just like in the songs.

I remembered and reminisce.
Oh those times, his (supposedly) presence,  attitudes and the delicate mystery mist he was surrounded with.
I smiled. Letting myself swayed by the song.

Then suddenly.
Pop.

It is his IMAGE that i fell in love with, i made him out of my tiny pieces of information that i gathered and carefully yet unknownly sew by myself.

With my desired thread,  accesory etc.

But is it really him?
Is it really HIS Presence (his Essence i believe so,  because all of Everyone's Essence came from Mighty Alhighest One so I will easily fell in love with  that. No doubt)  ha

Ah love,
Can i belive in you.
Oh heart dear stumbling heart.
Can I trust you to love again?

Or was it my mental unwellness tbhat kicked in and dominating my common sense.

Oh Heart dear Heart may you always choose the best,  the kindest,  the most handsomest,  the most lovely smelling One.

The beautiful and wise Ones and may they choose me too. Together. At the same time and dimension :)

Love?
Yeah i guess

-mostly head but heart is still in head's side though not dominant-

Hehe

Bismillah

 Letting go of the delusions.

And trying a little harder to work and be.

I continue on living.

It has been several attempts and thinking about ending my life.

The reason is i feel inadequate and just not enough, mostly after seeing other people's life on social media.

A feeling of being left.
Alone and underachieved.

I guess, it is important to not always look at others.
To really understand, what we need and what we can do.
Irregardless of what others achieve and have.